I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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