I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
