i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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