Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
