Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
