How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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