Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
