It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
