You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
