I will die if light touches me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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