Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
