I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
