last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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