your thong is hanging out like whoa
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just high enough for therapy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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