if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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