I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
