I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
