I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
