what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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