Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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