last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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