i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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