I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
