she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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