The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
