I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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