is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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