I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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