To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
