My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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