my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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