I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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