Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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