Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
