Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
