take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
