My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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