peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
