dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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