I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
