All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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