My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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