hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
