thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
