My liver just broke up with me...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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