When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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