Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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