I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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