i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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