It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
