I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
