My hand turned me down
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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